Last week, The Wall Street Journal published perhaps its most impactful piece to date. Their 2015 investigative project which, according to the Pulitzer prize committee, “gave Americans unprecedented access to previously confidential data on the motivations and practices of their health care providers,” is a palmful of peanuts in comparison.

Dasl Yoon and Na-Young Kim, reporting from Seoul, wrote about the dramatic increase in acorn-based foods. From acorn noodles to jelly and powder, Yoon and Kim say these acorn-based foods have become a healthy superfood that fights obesity and diabetes. 

At first, the impact of this story may not be as clear as their Pulitzer prize project, but let me assure you, the value of Yoon and Kim’s work to BJU’s campus could be tremendous in a couple ways, provided we use this knowledge correctly. 

First, we must pull our forces together in order to forage and gather the acorns on campus. They are not hard to find, especially under the canopy of limbs close to the Sargent Arts Building and Science Annex. 

Second, the dining common must produce a delightful array of acorn foods for the campus to consume. At the moment, the culinary database for acorns is as small as the nut itself. But I have full confidence that the combined efforts of the culinary arts department and Aramark’s army of chefs can expand and add to it, benefiting not only our students, staff and faculty but all of mankind. Acorn nuggets, acorn cookies, acorn stir fry, acorn salads, acorn lasagna, ham and acorn sandwiches—there is, I am sure, no limit to both the creativity and possibilities that we can produce. 

This endeavor has two surefire effects that I can foresee. The first is the winnowing of the squirrel population on campus. The second is the furthering of BJU’s motto: Learn. Love. Lead. 

The squirrel population, no matter how cute, has grown significantly in the past decade, putting the campus hierarchy of influence off-balance. And given the science department’s botched “studentification” program of eight years ago, in which they attempted to enroll squirrels as students in order to quadruple enrollment, there is little use left for the squirrels. 

Yoon and Kim’s superb reporting in South Korea already shows the feasibility of picking off the on-campus squirrel population. They note that some activists are actively patrolling forests in order to stop foragers from stealing the squirrel’s food and endangering their population. 

Acorn foods in the dining common will also advance BJU’s motto of Learn. Love. Lead. With these superfoods coursing through students’ veins, I believe we will see improvement in several areas.  

First, academic achievement will do nothing but rise with the increased attention span, focus and memory that acorns will bring. After all, how do squirrels remember where they buried their acorns once witnter comes? Uh, with a super acorn memory. Duh. 

Second, squirrels often play and work in pairs, paws open to share with their fellow Sciurus carolinensis. Clearly, something in acorns enhances not only mental capacity but empathetic capacity as well. This increased empathy will boost students’ ability to love both the Bruin family and the community at large. 

Lastly, students will be able to finish work faster, leaving time for more extracurriculars. Through extracurriculars, students learn valuable skills, namely leadership. By my research (bit.ly/2N76yge), a change in diet to 50% acorn foods and 50% regular foods will result in student’s starting no less than 15.7 non-profit organizations, providing many leadership opportunities. However, an increase to 75% acorn and 25% other will multiply that number to 40. 

As seen above, BJU could quickly correct the campus balance of power—restoring ushers to their rightful place—and realize its motto. All that is required is coordination and action. We must implement teams of students from every major, math majors working alongside English majors and premed majors leaning on piano performance majors in a beautiful cacophony of acorn gathering. We must experiment with and roll out an acorn-rich menu of dining common superfoods. 

There can be no delay. The future of BJU is now, with the acorn revolution of 2019. No longer will the students be the problem.